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The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.