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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I wish I had a friend like me
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.