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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?