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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Mondays should start at noon.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.