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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!