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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.