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If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.