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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?