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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!