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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.