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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Some of my best memories are naps.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.