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I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day