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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.