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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I have off-road rage, too
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.