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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.