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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.