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When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
My house has really let itself go.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait