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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.