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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.