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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.