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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.