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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.