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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........