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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…