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No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
What about a To-Don`t List?
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s