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Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.