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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.