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The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!