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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch