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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Word for the day is asstard
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
Honk if you wanna see the finger