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Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone