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We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?