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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."