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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium