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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I saw that! - Karma
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?