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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands