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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.