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How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"