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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
I grew up for this?
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
I drink coffee for your protection.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.