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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
If stress burned calories, Iād be a super model.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.