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It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.