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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.