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The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!