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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?