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Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
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I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.