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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.