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When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?