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First fart at my new job.
Long story short, I love summaries.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
What if the weather talks about us?
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste