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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.