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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I only accept apologies in cash.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.