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You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Marriage is for quitters
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I’m bored enough to clean.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Some people should come with subtitles.