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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.