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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!