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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
I think I may be getting harder to love.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!