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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.