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Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`