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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s