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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
It takes balls to be a man.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Save time. See it my way.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?