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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
I know u r but what am I ?
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.