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Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.