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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.