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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I should come with a warning label.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.