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People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Chip clips are for quitters.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.