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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.