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"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here