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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke