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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.