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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time