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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.