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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.