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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.