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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman