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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.