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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”