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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.