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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.