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If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!