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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.