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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".