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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.