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The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.