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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
drinks well with others.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.