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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe