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Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."