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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I need more people like me in my life
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.