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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I need a new bad decision.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!