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I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend β Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro β Everyday chatting β Ask number phone β Messaging β Calling β Meeting β Express love β Make relationship status β Hangout β Misunderstanding β Fight β Break up β Unfriend β Block !THE END
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Today I sent out a text saying, βHey, I lost my phone, will you call it?β 12 people called meβ¦I need smarter friends.
I bought 2 fish and named one, βoneβ and the other βtwoβ, so when βoneβ dies I will still have βtwoβ.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.