Daily Silly Status

I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."

FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block !THE END

I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.

Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.

When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.

I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"

When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.

I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D

Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store

Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.

I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.

Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people

"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.

To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.