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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.