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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.