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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"