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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
TEIAM - problem solved
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver