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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.