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I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!