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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?