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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.