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I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.