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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.