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I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Iām going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.