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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?