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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.