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Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.