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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."