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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Will be drunk until further notice.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I was born at a very early age.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.