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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?