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My support group can outdrink your support group.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.