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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.