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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.