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I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.