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I like the part of the day when food happens.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!