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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.