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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.