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Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.