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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Is glad Christmas is near i sure need new coloring books and crayons ..
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...