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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.