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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What number SPF blocks people?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.