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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.