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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.