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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.